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MY JOURNEY TO HEALING

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MY JOURNEY TO HEALING

April 15, 2012, I did come very close to ending my life. My husband was out and I cried uncontrollably.  It was emptiness, loneliness, despair and darkness and just completely tired. To be honest there was alcohol involved also.  I hated something about myself and I could not describe it. I got beyond that moment and called my husband home.  He wanted to take me to the hospital and I just wanted to sleep, which I did.

I had been seeing a psychiatrist and let her know the next day and phoned my Mom and I phoned my friend.  They both reiterated that I am a good person and I said "I know I am a good person, but there is something about me that I hate".

I was admitted to the hospital for detox and they did blood test and ultra sound and they changed my meds, as the one's I was on I had quit a month previously.

How I got there that day doesn't really matter.  All know is I never knew my being. I know I did at one time try to be someone I was not, only to please and when that fell apart, I figured I had no choice  but to follow fate, therefore I have a sense of spirituality.

It all came with a price, depression, anxiety and addictions.

What matters most, is what happened from that day.  Through the direction of my psychiatrist, my meds were changed and I accepted mental health counseling at our local hospital.  Due to cut backs the counseling  was for 7 sessions. I always put trust into the counselors and my psychiatrist, therefore I am honest with what I know of by being.  The counselor a lovely lady, shared some of her life stories and she showed vulnerability, like she would squinch her face up and say "Does that make sense?", like questioning herself.

During the course of the seven sessions, I had my goddaughter and youngest son over.  I was out gardening and they had walked over.  On their departure, her son turned around and said "I love you Aunt Deb".  I relayed this to my counselor and she said "You see you do matter in some people's lives".  I went home and I thought that is well and good, but do I matter to myself, therefore the revelation of 2 identities,  "me", the hurt damaged, withdrawn, unworthy child within and the "I", good, empathetic, generous, sensitive being. It seemed that I would identify the me of my being with all the negative and  all the hurts

I realized that the "me" has stopped "I' from functioning in the way I could, therefore I started trying to ignore the "me".  I had a re-occurring dream years ago of jogging from Brantford to Cambridge on highway 24.  Instead I jogged from Paris to Cambridge and back on the "rail trail".  Jogging can be amazing, as sometimes I feel like I am bouncing on clouds.

I also had this re-occurring dream of jumping off this cliff, which was close to the home I grew up in and flying anywhere and everywhere.

In August 2012, I went tandum skydiving.  What a wonderful experience and I am definitely going to do it again. Following is my jump on "youtube".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smC1cm_azHI

My jogging took me for a run from Brantford to Dundas and a run from Brantford to Scotland.

In September, I started having my arms tattooed, with things that have meaning to me and I love them.

 

During the process of my tattoos, I went to counseling at our local St. Leonard's Society.  I had a wonderful counselor, whereby I felt comfortable in being completely open.

I have finished a 12 week "Wholestic healing" program, put on by our local St. Leonards, put on by 2 inspiring facilitators.  I learned so much of how I got where I was on that day in April 2012. I resented that hurt, unworthy,  withdrawn damaged child,  but through counseling and this "Wholestic Healing Program and through my own determination,  I am understanding where that child came from. There was much about life that that child did not want to be a part of.  She could never handle conflicts and still does not know how to handle conflicts.
"I", was and still am open minded to others, but  the "Child", was close minded to my being and I allowed her to rule, as it was safe. There are still and will always be times where I will get stuck in the mode of being safe and I will still find myself in the hurt, unworthiness and withdrawn mode.  In the end it has nothing to do with others as we are in control of our own beings.  Others may cast shame,  because of their own fears, guilt and feeling of unworthiness, and we DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT THEIR CASTED SHAME, as it is within us to reject the feelings that  do not belong to us.  "Hurt" is a big one, by accepting hurt to be a part of your daily being, you are allowing the hurtfull to control you.

The last night of the program, awards were handed out and using one word they described with art, what the facilitators  thought of your achievements during the program.  I was given the "Inspired" award.

I asked at the end, whether anyone thought that if they had, had this program of "Wholestic Healing" program, early in life, whether they may have avoided their addictions and the consensus was "Yes".

This definitely should be  a mandatory, preventative medicine program for mental health, early in life, within our school system.

 In September 2012, I began making plans for a "Run for Mental Health" and I successfully completed it.  On many occasions I went way out of my comfort/safety zone. even appearing on Television for a 5 minute interview.  You can find the interview at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkPtBhC3GGQ&feature=youtu.be

2013, I did the run and in 2014 I joined a group program called "Oasis"  I love the program and the people there and  I have become friends with some.  It is about being open and honest and offering support to each other.  2014 I also joined Zumba and Yoga classes.  I also did the edge walk around the CN Tower, went hang gliding and in 2014 I hosted the first "Christmas Eve Service to Honour our fallen" at our local cemetery.  2015, was the 2nd annual and it was 3 times the attendance.  October 4th, 2015 was the first Relay for Mental Health Awareness and it was a success with participating people covering every kilometer of the route.

Healing is a long process.  It does not happen overnight.